It seemed as if January would drag on forever. I caught a stomach virus at Christmas that lasted two weeks, Fox then got sick, my husband caught the respiratory crud and we all were pretty miserable for a good three weeks.
I’m glad it’s February.
This has been a very dark winter for me. Something happened when I got sick. It triggered a depression. Part of being a Scorpio is to constantly be shedding our skin and renewing ourselves, but this has been much more intense. Like I’m in the process of a rebirth. I’ve been doing some major spiritual work, and that has unearthed so much. Doing the work requires a willingness to trudge through the mud and fight against the quicksand. Our surface work, and ability to play the game in this life matrix (ie Law of Attraction/Manifestation) is just one tiny aspect of our magical capabilities. We must also master our reaction to our emotions and come to a center of peace so we may unleash our command over the world as we perceive it. Some of that requires perfecting our space suits (human bodies) and much of it is a re-memberance of our soul’s purpose and then ultimately integrating the two.
My space suit has been through the wringer over the years and my heart surgery was not the worst of it. My early twenties were a blur of parties and adventures fueled by cheap booze, bud and cigarettes. I was the epitome of contrast. Studying holistic health at massage school and drinking every night; reading works by the spiritual masters during the day while nursing a hangover. I was actively helping others overcome emotional and energetic blocks through my massage and energy practice while simultaneously creating my own blocks. I loved the party life and the attention and of course back then I thought I would be forever young.
I have no regrets. Those years were absolutely beautiful and full of a lot of growth in a lot of areas. But here I am today at 38, almost four years sober, and I am teetering on the brink of my greatest rebirth yet. Many things have been triggering the darkness within me. I miss the river house, I’m worried about Fox, I question if this is the right city for my family. These things are just the externals that my mind clings to as an explanation for my pain; when really I am in mourning. I’m mourning the old me, the party girl, the muse, the Maiden. My soul has leveled up, and is no longer able to identify in that way. But fear and doubt had pushed their way in and stolen my confidence to exclaim to the world that I am now the Mother, the Healer, the Gifted One! But here I am. And I’m telling you. I’m telling me. I’m ready.
Over the next year, I will be giving shape to how I intend to share my soul work with all of you. I’m ready to be facilitating growth in others again and leveling up in that area as well. Thank you all for witnessing my journey! I love you.
~ Blessed Be ~